Today is a very difficult day for me. It's not only Mother's Day, but it is my mom's birthday. I am missing her so deeply today. I know I shouldbe celebrating her as a mother, and I am trying really hard, but I am still just very sad. She was such an amazing person and I am truly blessed that she was my mom. She taught me so many things about life, love, happiness, and personal strength and empowerment. I am so happy for her that she is now in a beautiful welcoming place where she feels no pain, but deeply sad for myself, and my daughter who miss her so much. Yesterday I read the book "To Heaven and Back" by Mary Neal. She shared her experience of her short stay in Heaven. I know that it is an amazing place and that my mother is there and happy, but I also learned a couple of things about grief which I found hit home: She said, "I do not believe that a loss of the magnitude I've experienced is something a person "gets beyond," "works through" or any of those other well-meaning, but impossible to achieve platitutdes. Greiving a loss is a matter of learning to incorporate the pain into a new life and a new reality. As Martha Hickman wrote "There is no way out, only forward." I have found this to be true, and I am greatly missing my life before April 23, 2012. I miss calling her when something fun or important happened, or even when I needed an ear. I miss hearing her advice, and having her make me laugh. I miss her support. I miss learning about something new and creative she had completed. I miss learning new things from her, because she was the smartest person I know. I miss watching her play with Grace and having her call and tell her she has a surprise for her. I miss sitting with her, drinking coffee or wine. I miss watching Criminal Minds and Center Stage over and over again. I miss knowing that even at 3 AM, she would answer my call. I am sad and upset that she won't be there to help me deliver my next baby, because I really need her calming presence there. I miss calling her or having her come to ultrasounds and to tell me how things really are. She was also a huge support for all things related to Grace's birth and her surgey, what would I have done without her? Grace misses her too, she has carried her baby bag around for days. She talks to her on her pretend phone and even told me as she waited by the window upstairs that Mimi was sure to come. It isn't fair that I have to tell my daughter that one of her best friends is in Heaven. I feel bitter and I feel angry which I know is not the feelings that will help me move past this and become a better person, but they are the real feelings that I have. I love her, still, so deeply and I miss my friend. I'm sad, Mom, but today I celebrate you, the only way I can. Thank you for being my mom, for choosing me for your daughter. Thank you not only for being my mother, but my friend. Happy Birthday! I hope you are celebrating with cake and ice cream while dancing on the moon! I love you mom!
This little angel made me a mom too, and I am so very glad she is mine. I really don't know what I would do without her in my life and I feel so blessed that she calls me Mommy. She is such a joy, she is funny, silly, smart, and the sweetest little gal I know. She is also my medium to my own mother when I just need to know she is there. Little Beauty-thanks for picking me for your mommy! I love you and I am so greatful your mine!
I have other amazing mothers in my life to who I am grateful. My Mother in Law Donna is a huge blessing in my life and I know she is one of a kind. My step-mom Mary is always there when I need her and is a huge support and amazing person. I am also amazed by my sisters and the wonderful mothers they are. They are shining examples and I love them. So even though it is a hard day it is Mothers Day and I am thankful for this day. So..Thanks to the gal who made me a mom. Thanks to my sisters who keep me hanging on. Thanks to my mom who I wish was here to stay. Happy Birthday, I miss you, and I'm loving you today!
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